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The Mel Gibson Apology Tour

A Huntsmanic & Greg DeLucia joint

Jul 30 : @ Boys & Girls Club, Greenwich, Connecticut

9-10pm: Mel Gibson announces The Apology: Summer 2010 Mel Gibson Apology Tour via live 1-hour interview w/ Jim Grey

Aug 2 : @ Oprah

4:02-4:10pm: Oprah gazes at Mel Gibson

4:11pm: Difficult for Oprah to talk to Mel Gibson because she really feels duped. Oprah feels duped

4:12-4:20pm: On recently released tape, Oprah says, Mel Gibson calls Oksana Grigorieva “a f***ing whore” who Mel Gibson “owns.” Mel Gibson allegedly punched Oksana while she held their baby

4:35pm: Out of nowhere, Dr. Phil appears next to Mel Gibson on couch

4:46pm: Oprah wants to know, what is source of all this anger, this rage … Mel Gibson’s alcoholism?

4:47pm: You don’t need a bottle of Jack to take a big ole swim in Lake Jackass, says Dr. Phil

4:50pm: Mel Gibson tells Oprah doctors diagnosed him w/ advanced XXXX Disorder/Syndrome [still awaiting acceptable diagnosis. Remaining candidates include: Acute Stress, Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy, Male Menopause]

Aug 4 : @ Lance Bass’s House

12:45pm: Lance Bass basically only person had picture taken w/ Mel Gibson @ Edge of Darkness premiere. Mel Gibson will never forget

12:50pm: Alrighty then. See you around, maybe

Aug 5 : @ Danny Glover’s House

10am: Mel Gibson declares profound sorrow at having made Danny Glover feel bad about himself for ever having liked Mel Gibson for even one second

10:10am: By “Danny Glover” Mel Gibson also means “America”

10:11am: …and “Australia”

10:12am: …and “most people who like watching movies in English”

10:45am: That scene in Lethal Weapon 2 w/ Danny Glover sitting on toilet bomb? Where Danny Glover tells Mel Gibson he loves him w/o actually saying it, and then they cleverly jump in the bathtub together, then everything blows up, and then toilet that had bomb strapped to it lands on car across street in one piece? Mel Gibson knows was only acting, but felt real love right then

Aug 7 : @ Tina Turner’s Studio

3pm: Mel Gibson tells Tina Turner that Mel Gibson never meant go this far beyond Thunderdome

3:08pm: But how the world turns, says Tina Turner. One day, cock of the walk. Next, a feather duster

Aug 12 : @ Grave of William Wallace, Scotland

6pm: Mel Gibson upset w/ shoddy craftsmanship of last-minute William Wallace monument

7pm: Mel Gibson calms following few drinks

9pm: Mel Gibson un-calms following more drinks

4:20am: In weird way, ghost of William Wallace kind of enjoyed watching whole thing unravel

Aug 17 : @ Robyn Gibson’s House

10:38pm: Mel Gibson wants to see Mel Gibson’s 19 children, apologize to them

10:39pm: Okay, fine, 7 children

Aug 19 : @ 2010 Apology Pancake Breakfast w/ cast of What Women Want

7:30am-12:30pm: Pancakes et al. served

11:34am: Marisa Tomei’s agent texts to say Marisa Tomei not coming

11:37am: Bette Midler’s agent: ditto

11:39am: Helen Hunt’s agent: ditto times 2

11:42am: Delta Burke’s agent: ditto times 3

11:43am: Et tu, Delta? cries Mel Gibson

11:50-11:53am: Alan Alda arrives, doesn’t see friends, leaves

12:28pm: Mel Gibson proceeds w/ announcement of top-secret screenplays in works for subsequent installments in WWW franchise:

  • Part II: What Women Still Want
  • Part III: What Women Never Wanted In The First Place
  • Part IV: What Women Want Again

12:40pm: Raffle

Aug 21 : @ Joe Jonas’s House

7pm: Joe Jonas almost only person had picture taken w/ Mel Gibson @ Edge of Darkness premiere

7:03pm: Mel Gibson won’t forget that, at least not before whole world has forgotten Joe Jonas

Aug 24 : @ Jet Li’s Offices

2pm: Mel Gibson apologizes to Jet Li in anticipation of offensive things Mel Gibson will soon say about Chinese people

2:04pm: Jet Li super confused

2:05pm: Mel Gibson explains new Regret It Forward method recommended by therapist

Aug 25 : @ Jodie Foster’s House

6pm: Mel Gibson apologizes for ensuring The Beaver never gets released

6:12pm: Jodie Foster is basically Mel Gibson’s favorite Jew in the whole world

6:14pm: Whaaa-at??? Jodie Foster is Atheist Lesbian? Mel Gibson bemused, sad

Aug 31 : @ Heaven’s Door

7-9:59am: Mel Gibson knock-knock-knocking

10am: Mel Gibson agrees w/ self – knocking for anything more than 3 hours could be seen as harassment

10:10am: Mel Gibson on knees, shouts to Jesus through keyhole. Very sorry. Apologies to Jesus for:

  1. Being bit of douche
  2. Being lot of racist
  3. Profanity
  4. Lethal Weapon 4
  5. Lethal Weapon 3 also
  6. Not treating body as temple
  7. The Patriot, aka A Community Theater Production of Braveheart
  8. Being lousy husband
  9. Being lousy infidel
  10. Making 610 million pieces of silver off movie about His death